How to Manage College Admissions Anxiety

At Top Tier Admissions, we believe in supporting the whole student. Prioritizing mental well-being is crucial for students to thrive academically, emotionally, and personally. In our new blog series, we are providing the TTA community with resources on the critical intersection of mental health and college admissions, diving deep into the challenges faced by students and their families during this pivotal phase of life. Through a series of interviews with leading experts, psychologists, and teen coaches, we will provide valuable insights, evidence-based strategies, and practical advice to help students and parents navigate the complex landscape of college admissions while prioritizing mental health.

In Part 1 of our conversation with Dr. Dana Dorfman, we explored how the college admissions process affects family relationships. Now, in Part 2, learn some concrete strategies to use to lessen stress and anxiety for you AND your teen.

What are some tools or strategies parents can use to lessen stress and anxiety for their teen?

Place VALUES in the driver’s seat: I highly recommend that parents take some time to identify and clarify THEIR values early in the process. In a less-heated time, I encourage parents to identify their 3-4 fundamental values–those that are most important to them and those which will inform or steer their parenting. (not what they think they “should” value, but what is of highest genuine importance to them). Similar to a mission statement, this values clarification will be a useful reference point during times of stress or high anxiety. When in the throes of making difficult parenting decisions, they may rely on these values to guide their decision making, rather than their anxiety inadvertently assuming the driver’s seat.
Use METAPHORS that convey that college is a stage of a life-long developmental process –not the be-all-end-all of their existence or the sole determinant of their success in adulthood. While it is undoubtedly an important decision, college is a chapter of a long book, a leg of a marathon, and is a process for more holistic growth unto itself. Emphasize the teen as a whole: the school they attend is not their identity.
Identify your Anxiety Style: While it’s “not about us,” we, and our emotions, are part of the process. Know what triggers your anxieties and how you effectively manage it. When we are less reactive to our anxiety, we are able to be more responsive to and present for our teens. Learning to identify, to take ownership and to tolerate your inevitable anxieties will offer valuable role-modeling for your teen!
- For example, if you manage your anxiety by getting things done well before a deadline (and you become highly anxious if a deadline is approaching and you haven’t finished the task), your teen’s last-minute tendencies will undoubtedly make your blood boil and potentially cause more conflict. It may be helpful to acknowledge these vastly different work styles ahead of time. You may collaborate with your teen about ways to preempt the conflict by making a mutually respectful schedule to approach the process.
Listen without problem solving: The only thing more difficult than tolerating our own anxiety is tolerating the pain of our children. Allow and invite space for them to express their inevitable ambivalence (mixed feelings), anxieties and concerns. This validation will earn major dividends! It lays the foundation for emotional expression and open communication.
Ask open ended questions: Questions like: What were your thoughts about the school? How did you feel when you were walking around the campus?” invites teens to reflect, conveys your respect for their perceptions, and communicates your values. Questions like “What GPA is required for acceptance?” “What is it ranked” conveys a different message!
Behavior vs. Character statements: Avoid shaming, judgements and labels: It’s tempting to roll your eyes or minimize a teen’s seeming irrationality. We are often tempted to judge them or criticize their approach, logic or lack thereof! Convey your respect for them as a person and help them refine a skill, rather than claiming that their behavior is a referendum on their character! “You seem more short tempered than usual, how are you? Rather than “You’re such a grouch lately!”
Assume neutral, observational and non-accusatory stance. Labeling or verbalizing judgements like, “You’re being lazy” or “You’re not being responsible” are not helpful. Neutral, observational and non-accusatory statements like “I’ve noticed that you’ve been less invested in your school work lately. I’m wondering about the change…” or “I noticed that you’ve been less talkative than usual. What’s up? Rather than “you’ve become such an introvert!”
Collaborate with teens. When teens are actively involved in devising a plan,” they are more invested, accountable and cooperative. Identify mutually convenient times to discuss college-related material so that it doesn’t infiltrate all of your time together. Collaboratively problem solve, rather than solving the problems for them!
Converse about non-college topics! While often top-of-mind and frequently all-consuming, every interaction need not revolve around this process or overshadow your relationship. They are more than their applications!
“How can I help?” or “What would be helpful to you right now?” Ask them to identify ways that you might help: Specifying our needs, how to ask for help and evaluating its efficacy, are essential and lifelong skills. When Parents avail themselves by asking their teen how they may support them, teens learn more about themselves and how to communicate with others. For example, “I don’t need for you to proofread my essay, but I’d love the extra company and moral support of your presence. Would you want to do your work in my room?” or “I’ve devised a rough schedule to get my applications completed and I want another set of eyes to review it.” or “I often have trouble getting started on an essay, can I brainstorm some opening ideas with you?”
Normalize the vulnerable: Model and verbalize your own vulnerabilities- share instances when you “failed,” were rejected or felt insecure. You can model the ways that these seeming “misfortunes” benefited you in the long run, that you survived them and learned something along the way. This reminds them (and us) that people endure disappointments and derailments and that they are not always dead ends!

How can parents better navigate their own stress during the college process?

Self-Awareness: Once again, the more self-aware a parent can be, the better. As stated above, I encourage parents to take some time to identify and clarify their values – almost like a mission statement. Values provide a needed anchor when our anxieties rise. The more aware of our feelings and their influence on our thoughts and behaviors, the better!
Wise sounding boards: Parents should identify people with whom they can express their anxieties and vulnerabilities who will NOT exacerbate or intensify them. Ideally, this person (people) share similar values, and can offer perspective when worries heighten. Someone who is highly anxious and may be in the throes of the process themselves, may only worsen or fuel your worries.
Know your PART (Parent Anxiety Reaction Type) Knowing your own anxiety, your triggers and common manifestations are helpful. The college process brings up many feelings, for most parents- about their achievement history/ upbringing, current relationship with achievement, their anxieties about the future -all of which inform the messaging and behavior toward our teens.

While this IS a significant step in your teens’ life, it is not the end. It is a step on a long path. View it through a growth mindset—teens are evolving and dynamic beings.